I'm a give-everyone-the-benefit-of-the-doubt kind of woman (most of the time).
I'll believe and try to see the good in you.
I always have hope—for people who have a part in their past that they're ashamed of, for people who are still working on themselves, for people who still mess up and make mistakes (just like me).
Yet sometimes I forget that not everyone thinks the way I do. So I show up in friendships and relationships just as I am, right at the beginning. I'd lay all of my cards in front of you, trusting that you won't trick me. I'd show you my messy yet true colors, hoping that even as you take off your rose-colored glasses and see me for who I am—not the idea you had of me—you'd still find me special.
Some of my friends think I do this because I don't think highly of myself. That I don't see my worth. That I expect and accept little love from people because I don't believe I deserve much.
But to be honest? It doesn't feel that way at all.
I barely notice how little the love I'm receiving because I'm focused on striving to love people the way I believe everyone deserves to be loved: genuinely and compassionately.
This often gets me into trouble, because the reality is not everyone will have the best intentions. Somehow, we're all wired to look out for ourselves first before others. And so I usually get hurt, played, gaslit, ghosted, love-bombed, low-balled, manipulated, made out to be the villain, misunderstood, gossiped about, taken advantage of, belittled, laughed at—you know how it goes.
Yet if I could shrink my big heart into a small and shell-protected one to save my self and never get hurt again, I still wouldn't.
Call me stupid or foolish, but deep down I know the people who have hurt me only hurt me because they themselves have been hurt. They're coming from a place of pain. And I've been there too—I also still fumble and inadvertently hurt people. I'm human after all.
"The key to forming lasting, secure, and intimate connections with others lies in seeing each other as the whole human beings that we are, by deepening our understanding of each other’s core wounds as children, learning to take responsibility for pursuing our own healing with support, and recognizing that we are all just doing our best..." — Anxiously Attached by Jessica Baum
And so I understand.
It can hurt like hell. But I understand.
I won't close my heart now because I got hurt before.
Instead, I hope to grow and love as much as I can. To trust as often as I can. To forgive whenever I can.
And if I get burned again and again, I hope my ashes would turn dead soil into fertile ground where love can grow—even if that love ends up not being for me.
I can love extravagantly, because I know that there is an infinite love that's always for me. Even when people disappoint me, I can rest in this love.
"The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need." — Psalm 23:1
PS: Exactly what she said, is what I mean.
🍎 Health: On becoming a healthier, hopeful adult
- If you tend to procrastinate by scrolling through socials instead of tackling your most important tasks, check out Flow.
- Best podcast I've listened to about imposter syndrome so far: Deconstructing Imposter Syndrome 🎧
- Fave workout lately: Morning Pilates (on top of walking my boss, Ringo 🐶🐾)
📕 Wealth: On pursuing your purpose in life
Fave highlight from it so far:
"Quarterlifers have typically imbibed a whole host of contradictory messages around how to be an adult: namely, to be functional and successful, but also popular and attractive; wealthy and famous, intelligent and interesting, creative and entrepreneurial, but not self-involved or selfish, nor privileged or cruel or unaware of the world's pain."
🌹 Relationships: On building and nurturing social connections
- Two Tiny Habits for Building Self-Esteem and Confidence
- Not Everyone Is Out To Get You
- Fascinated by Friendships
- (Not) Relationship Savvy
💭 3 Things to Ponder On...
Verse: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." — 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Quote: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Journal Prompt: In which area of your life do you wish to have the strength to be more vulnerable?